For I Feel it Every Day



I simply cannot let you go

in the way we agreed to

for yet, I still come back

I crawl towards you



like a vermin, hungry for more

___

I feel the cold wind

invading my bedroom

through the cracks of

the promises I never kept



I feel an uncontainable urge

slither through every artery

when I see your silhouette

as you change your clothes



I feel a pit of doom

every time I remember

that the fact is

you do not want me anymore



I feel unending regret

that I missed the chance

to have all that I have

always wanted

____



and atop the cracks

of the promises I made

I put plaster made of

calm and understanding



and in my arteries

flooded with urges

I inject a solution

of pride and restrain



and in my memories of you

the gaping pit of despair

is filled, through enormous effort,

with nostalgia and kindness



but the unending regret

is the one thing

I can never make whole

never

Incurable



Every six months or so

this taunting thought

comes back to haunt me.



It lives within my mind,

dorment, like a virus.

Something incurable.



Pictures of peace,

or the lack thereof,

an existence unweighted.



Bound by this illness

I crawl through decades,

like an unending anecdote,



and see myself through

the eyes of the ones I love,

although not enough to feel it.



For the weight I bear

is minimal when compared

to that of the world,



and I am flooded with guilt and shame,

so I wake up one more day

striken by this ailment



and swallow a bitter remedy:

there is nothing I can do

that will not be egotistical.

Obsessive Compulsive



God I wish I wasn't

so completely obsessive



Wish that melodies

from unwritten songs

that haven't been thought



and shirtless breezes

coming from crevices

on the window pane



or tabacco pouches

filling lungs with smoke

satiating thirsts



and poetry I mustn't share

untouched by my hands

conceived by another



or barking dogs

unwaveringly stern

hunting free felines



and creaking woods

from trees outside

singing a screech



or tongue thorugh teeth

feeling every inch

of bone and gum



and bright white light

from another room

invading my sleep



or everything you

taught me



I wish it wouldn't all

remind me of you

constantly

constantly

One for Years to Come



A measly one

just a human who has followed

for years gone by



not within shallows

not beneath hollows

but through true thick and thin



A person whom I understand

has been through same,

but changed, in many ways



I like to believe

I comprehend,

but yet, I truly don't



He has seen it

the eyes of evil that follow

the looks of eyes that deceive



You are the experience

that, over decades, made sense

even if I don't enjoy it



Thank you

thank you for your patience

thank you for your time



You are truly mine

I cry tear of joy

as I write this,



Thank you.

Human Experience



What is it that I cannot understand

I feel it, but can’t see it

I hear it, but cannot grasp



There’s clearly something

A deeper feeling, a wider meaning

A human experience inside you and them

That feels inaccessible



I feel inhuman through and through

And see your shining beacon

So clear to you, yet so foreign to me

Like a missing piece

That you try, with all your strength

To fill



You are not fit for this

You’re deserving of wholeness, connection

Please, be free

Pigeons and Sparrows



I saw a pigeon yesterday

it was dead, flattened like paper

nearly sunken into the asphalt



it reminded me of myself

of the ones I love

and the ones I hate



and it reminded me of what you said

what you always say

about our nature, our cycle



the pigeon question my thoughts

yet welcomed all my feelings

with open arms



it shined in it's simplicity

mocking my incessant need for meaning



---



I saw a pair of sparrows today

They danced in the air

Without any structure, without reason

They reminded me of us

Outer Wilds



I salute the stars and their infinity

their incomprehensible scope

and their existence



We, lowly and singular

biomechanical occurrences

blessed by Chance with the opportunity

to create meaning



For when I look at the sky from our rocky ground

I cannot see everything there is

nor everything that will be

nor everything that was



I feel inside it of me

in an unreachable part of my body

a calling from astronomical wonders

an insinctual urge to

grasp, contain, understand



but unlike my fleshly being

there is no end

there is no mean

nothing more



and as much as my body years in despair

as much as it screams out into the unknown

demanding for an answer

the silence soothes me



The thought that there is an

uncontainable, indescribable existence

utterly and completely devoid of Me

reminds me of what is real



That the universe is

and we are

Shipwreck



If this is it

then it's been a great trip

and i'm sorry that I took you out to sea without a ship

but i couldn't help it



you took me on an adventure

brand new horizons, lands i've never seen

places that once appeared only in my dream

now laid out in front of me



time after time

my waves drowned you relentlessly

and yet you got back up and held on to me

even when I pushed you aside

and let the water fill your lungs

you coughed it out and told me



"We can't explore the world together

if you throw me off deck"



So, from the bottom of my sunken heart

thank you so much, thank you,

if this is it.

As I Bathed In You



I saw you dance

bathed in the stars

your brown eyes

reflecting them like the moon



and your hair flowed

like silk from a spiderweb

like the rushing blood through my veins

I wanted it for myself



I tried to keep it

tied in knots

woven like a tight braid

all of it, just for me



but as I saw how it hurt you

how it pulled on your skin

the way it dimmed your eyes

I finally understood that it was never mine



you are the world's

as it is yours



from the faintest smile

to the screeching thought

the comprehension of consciousness

the lingering of talks



I hope to blessed

with the way you see the world

but you taught me

that blessing don't exist



It is Us

It is simply existence

It is only I

And it is only you



I love you.